Raise Kids Without Yelling
- Even just showing a smidgen of frustration or irritation was considered weak and childlike
- Briggs ways were cruder, less considerate and more impulsive
- Inuit take tantrum-prone toddlers and turn them into cool-headed adults
- No scolding, no timeouts
- one golden rule: Don't shout or yell at small children
- Inuit culture views scolding — or even speaking to children in an angry voice — as inappropriate. When they're little, it doesn't help to raise your voice. It will just make your own heart rate go up
- With little kids, you often think they're pushing your buttons, but that's not what's going on. They're upset about something, and you have to figure out what it is
- Traditionally, the Inuit saw yelling at a small child as demeaning. It's as if the adult is having a tantrum; it's basically stooping to the level of the child
- Shouting, 'Think about what you just did. Go to your room!' is just teaching children to run away
- When we yell at a child — or even threaten with something like 'I'm starting to get angry,' we're training the child to yell," says Markham. "We're training them to yell when they get upset and that yelling solves problems."
- parents who control their own anger are helping their children learn to do the same, Markham says. "Kids learn emotional regulation from us."
- the Inuit have relied on an ancient tool with an ingenious twist: "We use storytelling to discipline". how do you teach kids to stay away from the ocean, where they could easily drown? Instead of yelling, "Don't go near the water!" Jaw says Inuit parents take a pre-emptive approach and tell kids a special story about what's inside the water. "It's the sea monster,"
- "My parents would check inside our ears, and if there was too much wax in there, it meant we were not listening,"
- Oral storytelling is what's known as a human universal. For tens of thousands of years, it has been a key way that parents teach children about values and how to behave
- Stories with a dash of danger pull in kids like magnets, Weisberg says. And they turn a tension-ridden activity like disciplining into a playful interaction that's — dare, I say it — fun
- "With stories, kids get to see stuff happen that doesn't really happen in real life. Kids think that's fun. Adults think it's fun, too."
- When a child in the camp acted in anger — hit someone or had a tantrum — there was no punishment. Instead, the parents waited for the child to calm down and then, in a peaceful moment, did something that Shakespeare would understand all too well: They put on a drama
- The parent always had a playful, fun tone. And typically the performance starts with a question, tempting the child to misbehave.
- Ishulutak says these dramas teach children not to be provoked easily. "They teach you to be strong emotionally," she says, "to not take everything so seriously or to be scared of teasing." Psychologist Peggy Miller, at the University of Illinois, agrees: "When you're little, you learn that people will provoke you, and these dramas teach you to think and maintain some equilibrium." In other words, the dramas offer kids a chance to practice controlling their anger, Miller says, during times when they're not actually angry
- if you practice having a different response or a different emotion at times when you're not angry, you'll have a better chance of managing your anger in those hot-button moments
- be sure you do two things when you replay the misbehavior. First, keep the child involved by asking many questions. Second, be sure to keep it fun!